Thoughts from a First Aid Package
by Serb
Summary: These are just some thoughts from a familiar waitress from Cafe Rene about a certain Lieutenant before she was transferred to Switzerland in a First Aid package. Read Review!


**Thoughts from a First Aid Package**

_Author's Note: Ok guys, it's been quite while since I last wrote in the 'Allo 'allo section, but I somehow wanted to write this crappy fic down. Now, from the series: do you remember Rene's waitress Maria? The cute small brunette who had the annoying French accent where she used to spit at everyone whilst she pronounced the letter "r"? The girl that was later replaced by Mimi? Well, these are some of her thoughts when she tried to escape the POW camp disguised as a First Aid Package (as you all remember). None of the characters belong to me, but to the good old BBC series directed by David Croft and others. _

I cannot believe how these British prisoners live! They have obviously not changed their clothes for months- well, ever since they became prisoners at this camp. I myself have to dress up as one of them, thanks to those two British airman idiots which we had to infiltrate into this camp! For days we helped the airmen dig to their aim only to get ourselves locked in as prisoners of this camp.

I have had enough of this! My burst stockings have laddered underneath these filthy trousers, my nails are being tarnished by the earth and I really need to have a bath. My sweet Rene is suffering under the constant glare of Madame Edith as he tries to think of a plan to get us out of here. Yvette, my good friend, is also complaining about these conditions and that she will try to help Rene to secure a plan. But we will need Michelle for this and it might take some time for her to reach us.

That's why I took matters into my own hands.

I have found a large enough First Aid package and I found out to my delight that I can fit perfectly inside of it. Whenever did my size become an issue? Now, I'm sitting inside of it and patiently waiting for someone to pick me up so that I can be free and later once again in my Rene's arms! I'm sure that he will be proud of me and one day, when the war is over and the church bells ring, we will be married! Everyone will cheer and we would walk down the aisle, arm in arm……..

Rene loves only me! Of course Madame Edith loves him too, because she is his wife…..for now. But why does Yvette spend so much time with him? Does she also – no, no, of course she doesn't! Oh, everybody likes Rene, he's so charming…. He even caught the Lieutenant's eye.

Ah, I remember the first time I talked with Lieutenant Gruber. I had seen him the day before in the café, but the time I spoke to him was the next day. He was quite different from the other Germans I had met.

xxxXXXXXxxxxx

**(Café Rene, many months before….)**

It back in the days when we became for the first time involved with the Resistance. I as usual had to go around the café searching for "customers" and as I could see Yvette was going quite well with the Colonel. I didn't feel like going with the Captain (I had to admit that he was a bit annoying) so I decided to settle with someone else. It was then I had noticed a young officer who was sitting by himself at a table beside the bar. He was a newcomer, for I had never seen him from before, and a handsome one too. He looked quite lonely, drinking his cognac, so I decided to take my chances with him.

'Good evening officerrrr,' I greeted him with a smile, 'would you like to order anything?'

He looked up and was surprised to see me as if he didn't expect me to approach him. He gave a small smile and said politely, 'No thank you, I already have a drink.'

I decided to be more persuasive. 'May I sit beside you?' I asked.

He seemed even more surprised at my forward question, but nevertheless he answered, 'Alright.'

I flashed him a smile as I pulled back the chair and sat down. I leaned in closer to him, but he backed away. _Maybe he's shy_, I had thought back then.

'I haven't seen you arrround here beforrre,' I said softly, looking down at the table then straight up at him with my large dark eyes, 'When did you come?'

'Oh, just a few days ago,' he said, but I could see that he was growing more and more uncomfortable by the moment, 'I had been transferred here from the Russian Front.'

I seized the chance when he said it by exclaiming,' Ze Russian Frrront! It must have been verrry frrigthening there!'

His expression turned into one of nostalgia when he commented, 'Well, it was very lonely there.'

'I'm sure it was.' I leaned in, whispering my proposal, 'How would you like to spend some time with me so as to forget all the harrrdships and loneliness?'

He was taken aback and shocked by my proposal. I was annoyed by his reaction and snapped, 'What?'

He seemed to be thinking very quickly of a reply, as if he was caught in a sticky situation, until he said, 'I don't even know your name!'

'My name is Marrria Rrrecamierr!' I said, stressing on the "r"s and ending up spitting on him.

'And I'm Lieutenant Hubert Gruber,' he said, wiping his face with a handkerchief.

'Lieutenant Huberrrt Grruberrr!' I repeated happily, 'I like that name, it's so….. commanding.'

Lieutenant Gruber cleared his throat and stared down at the table, now blushing furiously. What was the matter with that man! That comment usually turns then on!

'What is it zat you don't like about me?' I asked in a fiery temper, which was quite unlike me. If I had said that to any other German I could have been severely punished for my attitude. 'Is there anything at all you like about my appearrrence?'

'Well….' He said uncertainly, 'I do like your dark eyes. They the same as the bartender's,' he was suddenly starting to loosen and become more warm, ' they remind me of Belgian chocolate.'

'Ah Lieutenant,' I said, acting a little insulted, 'Do not mix us French with Belgians. Even though we are neighbours, that doesn't mean that we are the same.'

'I know, but Belgian chocolate is one of the finest,' he explained, 'But I do get your point – Austrians are not exactly the same as Germans, are they?'

When I nodded, he continued, 'I also like your thick, long hair. It reminds me of a certain man back in Germany who had very similar hair to yours….' He wandered off, lost in thought.

That was very nice of him, but I just couldn't help feeling unsettled: why did he keep comparing me to men?

Before I knew it, Rene had entered the room and called me. I excused myself to the Lieutenant and went to join him.

'That is the Lieutenant that fancies me,' he said.

'No wonder I cannot get on anywhere with him!' I had exclaimed and Rene then sent me to do something that I cannot quite remember now, it surely wasn't anything important……

xxxxXXXXxxxxx

I feel the package move! I hear someone commenting outside in German, probably complaining because of the weight of the package. Oh, I'm so happy! I will finally get out of this place!

But what about Rene? How will he get out of here? Oh, my clever Rene will think of something, he always does.

That reminds me of when Rene and Captain Geering stole the Lieutenant's tank, and had tried to blow down the train on the railway! That was, of course, a failure and they had ended up attacked by the Resistance with the Germans in tow (the Lieutenant raised the alarm that his tank was stolen). Madame Edith, Yvette and I rushed on the scene with bicycles that we borrowed from our customers, only to have our clothes blown off.

Ah, the scene back at the café of how we tried to distract the Lieutenant is still in my mind.

xxxxXXXXXxxxx

**(Back that night…..)**

The Colonel had tried to distract the Lieutenant by arranging some music (which was so graciously bestowed upon us by Madame Edith's singing) and trying to persuade the Lieutenant that it wasn't worth hurrying home. To make things much more "at home", Yvette had approached the Colonel with the offer to sit in his lap, which he readily accepted. What cheek! I usually got Captain Geering as my customer, but as he was absent then, she had left me alone as if I were cheap goods! Well, I can be with the officers and at that moment the second best choice was Lieutenant Gruber.

When I saw Yvette giggling while happily perched on the Colonel's knee (he was the highest authority currently in the café), I immediately approached his companion.

'May I sit in your lap, Lieutenant Grruberr?' I asked, giving him one of my trademark innocent stares.

He choked on his drink, and looked uncertainly at the Colonel as if seeking his permission reluctantly, mumbling 'Well, I….'

'Go ahead, Hubert,' Colonel Von Strohm encouraged him, anything to keep him in the café, 'it will be good for your image.'

Lieutenant Gruber moved so as to give me access, and I readily jumped into his lap. His whole body stiffened when he felt me being so intimate with him, especially when I snaked my arms around his neck. He laughed to relax more but as long as I was close to him, he awkwardly handled me.

I was warm and friendly, not trying to push him, but even though he responded positively he was restrained.

'Are you not enjoying yourself Lieutenant?' I asked, staring up at him.

'Of course I am,' he said, his face the most furthest from me as possible, 'but I should really get going.'

'Oh, don't go yet!' I exclaimed, increasing my grip on his neck and pressing my cheek against his. It was a wrong move, because this only caused him to tighten his hold on me, so that his nails dug into my thigh. I yelped with pain.

'I'm sorry!' he burst out, as if one of his greatest fears came out.

'It's going to brrruise!' I complained.

'I didn't mean-' he started, when he was halted by the Colonel.

'Hubert, we are Germans. We do not need to explain or apologise to peasants.' The fat frog said.

Lieutenant Gruber agreed with him, because that is what any officer would do, but I'm sure he didn't accept this idea. He's much more cultured than that pig. Even Yvette cooled down towards the Colonel for the rest of the evening, so I felt as if she was again on my side.

It was then that that idiot British policeman came in and told him that his tank was stolen. Lieutenant Gruber began to panic (he's even attractive when he panics) and he got up in confusion. He must have forgot that he was still holding me, so I was rather flattered, but not when he unceremoniously dropped me and rushed out.

I do not want to remember the rest of the night. I think the knowledge of having your clothes blown off by a rogue explosion in front of the Germans is not a very favourable memory.

xxxXXXXXxxxxx

But I'm sure that the Lieutenant has a connection with me. I'm sure that I'm probably his favourite girl, if he has one. He was always more polite and chatty with me than with the other women that I've seen him associate with. If he had leaned toward the right side, I'm sure we would have been much more intimate. When I once disguised myself as a boy, I noticed him eyeing me. Rene informed me that he liked the way that I was built.

Even though I like him, my heart still rests for my brave Rene who will one day marry me and everyone will cheer…..

Why have I been travelling for such a long time? They should have delivered me by now to Nouvion, and I feel as if I had been travelling in here for hours at the back of a truck. Wait - we stopped! And I can hear voices outside and a certain noise. A strange whistling sound…..

'This package doesn't have enough stamps on,' says a person, as I'm being lifted up and put somewhere, 'it should come back where it came from. See to it that it's delivered there.'

Am I being delivered back to the camp? No, no, Maria you silly girl, how could you have forgotten about the stamps?

Alright, where do First Aid packages come from? Well, they are financed by a certain neutral country in Europe, but that doesn't mean-

The whistling sound. I'm at a train station! I'm being transferred to Switzerland! I always wanted to go there, but with Rene and not like this! I must get out of here!

As I try to tear the package open, I hear the doors slam and lock me inside the wagon. Then, I feel the floor beneath me move.

Well, well, Maria, a fine mess you have gotten into! Now you're being taken to Switzerland, and there is no chance of you seeing Rene, or the cafe again!

I should just wait until the war is over. Who knows, it might be over very soon. In fact, I just may remember the latest news: the Germans have been on the Russian Front for some months now, and it may end now, in the year 1941!

All I have to do is just make the most of it there. After all, I heard that Switzerland is a prosperous country, and that they do make fine chocolate there, especially now that it is so rare……

THE END

_Author's Note: You may be wondering what on earth I have written this nonsense piece of work for, but I just wanted to highlight something about Maria. I've been watching the episodes again and I noticed that she (even though being Captain Geering's girl) always seemed to fawn over the Lieutenant. I mean, she always was so especially nice to him, and often stared up at him adoringly! Seriously, if she stayed until the end of the series, they would hook up somehow. However, she had left, and they started pairing Gruber and Helga off together (they became much closer with Captain Geering out of the way….. I didn't like that idiot anyway). I ask you to watch the early episodes again and you will see what I mean. _

_By the way, please review or give me a nice flame to warm me up in these cold winter days. But not too warm though- I do not want to burn my house down._


End file.
